Tired

I can’t seem to hold on to what I want anymore.  Everything just keeps slipping through the cracks, washing away just before it settles into my life.  I’ve changed my perceptions, altered my path, and still I watch as it fades into oblivion as it reaches my grasp.  What do I take from this?  How do I keep believing when nothing seems to ever be within my reach?  Is it a lesson, an experience needed to replace mistakes of the past?  I’m okay with it, if that’s what it is, but I need to know.  I need to redefine my expectations and let go of what I thought was possible to be okay with what actually is.  I need to find happiness in this life and I can’t do that if I don’t know the limitations of my capabilities.  I need clarity to move me into another state of consciousness, a center to rebuild from so that I may find peace within its core.  I can’t keep going at this the way that I have been.  I’m strong, but not that strong, and a lifetime of the constant battle just to stay above the waterline has me weaker than I ever thought I’d be.  I need time to regroup, time to rebuild, and time to breathe.  I don’t want to leave this life feeling as though I never really lived it, because up to this point it’s always been about survival and getting to the next day, it’s never been about joy or simply taking it all in.  I’m tired, and I know that just saying that is selfish, but for once I need it to be about me.  Just this once, that’s all that I’m asking…